zachary taylor

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you force-promoted your most chaotic coworker into a CEO position, congratulations — you already understand the Zachary Taylor presidency.

Zachary Taylor was a lifelong soldier who treated politics like a mild inconvenience and bathing like an optional activity. He spent forty years fighting in muddy fields, eating whatever wasn’t moving, and accidentally collecting military victories he didn’t entirely plan — and America responded by handing him the keys to the country.

Did he have political experience? Absolutely not.
Did he have opinions about national policy? Also no.
Did he understand what the Whig Party actually believed? Hard no.

But did he show up, ignore instructions, and nearly blow up the entire slavery debate by brute-forcing anti-secession vibes into Congress? Oh, yes. Taylor was the chaotic neutral president we didn’t deserve and definitely weren’t prepared for — a man whose stubbornness briefly held the Union together before his sudden death yeeted the country back into the slow-motion disaster that would become the Civil War.

He was unpredictable. He was messy.
He was… somehow effective?

Zachary Taylor: proof that sometimes the wrong guy at the wrong time still manages to kick the can down the road just long enough for history to say, “Well… points for effort.”